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Allan Quatermain
and the Lost City of Gold
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the sequel to King Solomon's Mines
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| It is common knowledge that
all sequels are worse than the originals. Even so, it hardly
seems possible that even the sequel to King Solomon's Mines
could live down to the inferiority of King Solomon's Mines itself,
no less surpass it. But Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of
Gold most assuredly lived down
to its sequeleness in stellar
fashion. |
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| At least the original - King Solomon's Mines
- numbed us to the idea of Richard Chamberlain's embarrassingly
pathetic portrayal of a self-deprecating mercenary
swashbuckler rushing to the rescue of a damsel in
distress. The original also prepped us - somewhat - for
Sharon Stone's pitiable 'tee-hee look-at-me' forlorn bimbo
routine, although it still feels as if only a major surgical procedure
could remove the caustic aftertaste it left
behind. |
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| But nothing in the world
could prepare us for what we saw next ... |
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Sorry
James, but you did this to yourself ... |
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| James Earl Jones,
traipsing around in a Flintstones-inspired caveman getup with a
club over his shoulder - playing the part of Umslopogaas?! James
Earl Jones? The sage slayer of stereotypes? The
patron provocateur of platitude? The savant subjugator of
shibboleth? James, you owe us an explanation. Not even major
surgery could rid us of the disparaging images you left in our
minds with your shameful exhibition of primordial pantomime. No, we'll
require the services of an exorcist for this one. |
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| As we really do have every
expectation of receiving an explanation from James, we've
created a special email address just for him. |
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| If you are reading this,
and you are James Earl Jones, please click
here to leave your explanation. We're waiting. |
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| And now, a brief comment or
two on some of the other aspects of this plotless fiasco ... |
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The
Morons on The Hill ...
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| Allan Quatermain and Jesse
(Sharon Stone) decide to search the jungle for Allan's long lost
brother, who disappeared several years earlier while searching
for the Lost City of Gold. Apparently, Allan was unfazed
by his brother's absence for the first several years, but
then Jesse found a Phoenician medallion on the ground, which
naturally turned the situation into an emergency (?). |
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| Allan, Jesse and Umslopogaas
go through all sorts of avoidable nonsense while journeying to
the Lost City of Gold, but they make it there none the worse for
wear, of course, although everyone in the audience was hoping
against hope that they'd meet with an appropriately timed tragedy. |
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| When the gang arrives at
the Lost City of Gold, they immediately encounter the citizens
of the legendary great white/black/gray/green race. The long
anticipated reunion of Allan and his lost-and-presumed-dead
moron brother comes next. The moron brother appears out of
nowhere and greets Allan - not with tears of joy, not with a big
hug, not with a sigh of relief, not with an inkling of surprise,
and not with a slew of thank you's or an emotional show of
gratitude, but with a casual hello and a handshake. |
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The
World's Only Living Set of Conjoined Morons ... |
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| Allan should have gotten
pissed off and left at this point, but like his brother, he is a
moron, so he decides to stick around. |
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| We find that the First
Selectman of the city formerly know as the Lost City of Gold
(it's no longer lost) is a half-crazed evil guy who's favorite
form of recreation is dunking live city denizens into giant vats
of gold. This activity is never fully explained, but it seems
that the First Selectman wants to take over the Lost City of
Gold and use it to sate his evil desires. This is sort of
odd, because the First Selectman of the Lost City of Gold is
already in charge, and is not in need of a coup to overthrow the
current leadership, which is himself. |
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| But, the First Selectman of
the Lost City of Gold obviously has an anger problem. This
probably stems back to when his services as the lead singer of
REO Speedwagon were suddenly no longer required due to a change in
musical tastes in the early 80's. |
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The First
Selectman of the Lost City of Gold |
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| The First Selectman
eventually finds someone to fight with, and the battle with
we-don't-know-who for reasons we-don't-know-why rages on for
we-don't-know-how-long. The bitch about it for the First
Selectman is that he loses the unnecessary war he started with
the unidentified adversaries for absolutely no reason at all. Not only does
this cost him his position as
First Selectman, but it gets him killed as well. |
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The Girlfriend
of the First Selectman of Lost City of Gold |
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| Come to think of it, other
than a creepy haircut and an annoying voice, the First Selectman
had been living large all along. He had mad money, bad babes,
and home boys to boot. Then, he went outside the city walls,
attacked his own empire, and dethroned himself. That wasn't
particularly smart. |
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| The moral of the story?
It's obvious ... |
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| If you are the former lead
singer of REO Speedwagon, and you've got a girlfriend, a neat
hobby, a nice home, a great job, lots of money, your health,
occasional visitors, and no one ordering you around, you
might just consider leaving well enough alone. |
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| CR |
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No More
Sequels, We Promise!!!
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