Gymca-ca
 

By Poop-Scoop Robertson

 

Date line: Sometime back in the 1980’s when Richard Simmons wore those tiny little nylon shorts and a headband like the dancers on Fame the TV show while he shouted, "Now you fed them, now you lift them!" Farrah Fawcett’s nipples rose to national prominence, so to speak. And Star Wars was all the rage among space fanatics.

I'm talkin’ ‘bout Ronnie Raygun’s vision for defending America – that star wars - not the one with Chewedtobacco and Princess Tease, I mean, Lay-ya’. You knew her as the  interplanetary royal with the Bisquik growths on the sides of her head.

And speaking of fattening growths, have you seen Richard Simmons’ buns lately?

Reagan wanted to shoot giant laser beams at little missiles using giant laser guns. And he wanted us to holster one of these things in the kingdom of Parmesan.

So how does the leader of the free world talk a backward Mel Brooks look-alike with a bad comb-over into giving up a piece of his kingdom for a radar site? You don't. But there has to be a reason for this movie to continue.

So, King Combover cooks up a deadly game. And sending the U.S.’s greatest gymnast to be a player is in the rules. Like in a bad video game, all he has to do to win the plot of land is defeat an army of thugs, a gaggle of thieves, a town full of crazies and a bushel of barbarians. It’s called Gymkata.

I gave this one two balls up for Kurt Thomas’ homo-errotic stair climbing antics. Where else can you see a guy’s molars through his sphincter? And I had to give it one Holy Crap! for the thoughtfulness of the civil engineers of Johnjacobjinglehiemerschmidtblackjerkistanakbarbul who, back in the 13^th century, put a pommel horse in the town square.