Female Space Invaders Movie Review

Female Space Invaders

Look closely at the above picture, because it's the only glimpse of female space invaders you'll ever get in "Female Space Invaders".

Female Space Invaders is a 1979 Italian emulation of the slightly better-known film, Star Wars. If you loved Star Wars, you'll hate Female Space Invaders for copying Star Wars so closely. If you hated Star Wars, you'll hate Female Space Invaders for copying Star Wars so closely. But the story of Female Space Invaders is not the real story of Female Space Invaders. The real story of Female Space Invaders is the cast of actors in Female Space Invaders.

Caroline Munro as Stella Starr

Caroline Munro, who played Stella Starr, was FSI's answer to Princess Leia. She is probably the only aptly-cast major character in the lineup. A former Bond girl and veteran of such films as Dracula A.D. and Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter, she spends most of the film strutting around in various space bikinis, spandex parkas, and saran wrap prison garb. Frankly, she does a commendable job as a space slut, and her legacy as such seems safe from the likes of lesser sluts like Brittany Aguilera Hilton Ritchie Lohan, or whatever their/its name is.

Marjo Gortner as Akton

Marjo Gortner is such a weirdo he is miscast in everything, even FSI. In FSI he plays Akton, an android with a 70's curly perm and telepathic powers. He supposedly has super-human powers, but he dies after getting scratched in the arm, so his super powers don't seem too super. Whatever.

David Hasselhoff as Simon

David Hasselhoff is also seriously miscast. FSI needed a semi-talented unknown disco boy to play Simon, son of The Emperor, but what they got was a totally untalented unknown alcoholic disco boy who took way too much pleasure in applying his women's makeup prior to shooting. Hasselhoff is far, far beneath the dignity of FSI, but FSI must have hired him because Jimmy Walker was busy in 1979.

Joe Spinella as Count Zarth Arn

Joe Spinella, who played the evil Count Zarth Arn, was a talented character actor nearing the end of the credible portion of his career. His character was essentially an overweight bad temper with a bizarre haircut, but he sucked it up, dumbed it down, and lowered himself to the occasion. Too bad, but the man had to eat, and starvation is overrated.

The Robot Elle

FSI's robot Elle was a less than subtle imitation of Star War's C3PO. Elle's annoying fake southern accent and minor cosmetic differences are a thin and ineffective disguise that wouldn't fool even the most hard-core of Earnest Goes to Camp fans. Elle gets destroyed early in the film, but sadly reappears near the end.

Christopher Plummer as The Emperor

Well, isn't this a surprise. Legendary screen and stage actor Christopher Plummer playing David Hasselhoff's father in a grade-Z Italian Star Wars rip-off. Why? Who knows, but we should all be grateful. With Mr. Plummer's appearance came the greatest escape-scene copout in the history of cinema. Needing a fast escape from the control room of a hostile planet, Mr. Plummer reached calmly into his bag of tricks and pulled rank on the entire universe by issuing the command: "Halt the flow of time." It worked, and all imperiled figures escaped the planet (except for the super-powered android Akton, who died from a scratch on the arm.)

The planet's control room looked a lot like a galactic laundromat, which gave pause to the viewer when Mr. Plummer uttered his time-stopping order. For a brief moment, it sounded like he said "Halt the flow of Tide". Proctor & Gamble would never have approved.